So... I did a thing
So here I am. Mom to 3 kids. Wife to 1 person. I'm over here barely holding to together on a daily basis. 2 of my kids are what the medical field would have you believe is typical. The middle guy has Down syndrome.
I used to blog. It was a good way for me to get "it" all out. It was a good way for me to be reflective and then... well... life happened. My babies weren't these cute little babies anymore. They grew up to have activities and they homeschool. Both of which take up a good bit of time and mental space. By the time I thought about the things I really wanted to get out so that I could move on, I was asleep. For the night. At like 9pm.
I used to blog. It was a good way for me to get "it" all out. It was a good way for me to be reflective and then... well... life happened. My babies weren't these cute little babies anymore. They grew up to have activities and they homeschool. Both of which take up a good bit of time and mental space. By the time I thought about the things I really wanted to get out so that I could move on, I was asleep. For the night. At like 9pm.
Lady M is 10. She swims between 4 & 5 times a week for 1.5hrs each time on a year round team. Girlfriend is KILLING it. Seany Rock is 8. He cheers on 2 teams, swims for Special Olympics and plays baseball for Miracle League. Evan is 5. Evan really enjoys ballet and tap dancing, but has decided to take a break. So for now he does gymnastics.
We also have 3 dogs. Our Scottie is an 11 year old named Brewster. He's my old man who is slowly winding down. We also have a rescued Mini Schnauzer named Milo Leopold. Then we have the beast. The beast is a rescued mutt who came to us from an animal shelter that lied to us. Now, I don't think they meant to lie to us, but lied to us they did. Luke was adopted at 56lbs and we were told he was 13 mos & full grown already. We were told he was a lab mix. LIARS! He is now roughly 115lbs and our vet said he was more likely 4 months old & suspects he is actually a great dane mixed with shepherd. Maybe some hound. Either way, he's enormous, but in the grand scheme of things, he's pretty awesome. Don't tell him I said that.
Our lives are anything, but boring. I go through my days reminding myself that I really had no intention of being this amazing, but here I am killing it. In all this amazing chaos, I need an outlet. A place to put it all.
Maybe I'll do an "all about me" type of thing in case I ever need to look back at my motivations and maybe reasons I do the things I do.
I grew up in NYC, Brooklyn to be exact. I am the oldest kid to two people who I like to think genuinely tried. One of my parents grew up on the "right" side of the tracks and her parents made sure she knew they disapproved of her choices. Hell, they made sure I knew they disapproved of her choices too. It was fun times. Turns out she has a serious narcissistic thing going on. The other grew up very much on the "wrong" side of the tracks. My gparents made sure that he knew they didn't approve of him, his choices or anything else that involved him. He was an alcoholic who did make some seriously shady choices, but... Was because he died during a particularly shady choice he made. I think back to my childhood and there aren't many things I actually remember. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it explains a lot of things about me. Because of my parents, I strive to be anything, but like them. I don't speak to my family. I walked away from them because our relationships were toxic. They were toxic for me, toxic for my kids, toxic for my marriage. Just toxic. We could never just get out of that cycle of hurt and cycle of hurting. It was always very tit for tat. I do long for closeness and relaxed BIG family gatherings, but not for the judgy closeness. I don't have the mental energy to wonder whether my family will be talking about me behind my back as soon as they think I'm out of earshot; it's happened.
I managed to make it through life ok. I graduated college twice. One direction seemed fitting at the time, but my inability to keep my subjective, "Are you fucking for real right now?", side to myself made a profession in a field requiring objectivity impossible. So I went back for a degree in the accounting field. I don't necessarily use those degrees in a profession anymore, but they have served me well throughout my life, so far, and continue to serve me well. I'm able to read people and situations well and apply a sense of logic. At least I feel I do those things well. I'm also able to recognize things that are not meant to be without investing a whole lot of time and emotion into it. I'm not sure my ability to build strong barriers between myself & the world is a result of my family dynamic, my inside knowledge of the analytical world or both.
I struggle. A lot. I struggle to know with certainty that I am relating to my children and that I'm reaching their inquisitive minds in an appropriate way. I struggle to relate to other adults and allow them to relate to me. I struggle to justify needing my own time and my own space. I struggle with reaching out for real help. I also struggle with trust.
***Side note: I took some time for me to just do this & my kids are currently fighting with each other over who was bouncing where on the bounce house. Fucking really guys?***
Anyway back to this. I struggle with the gray areas of life. I like clear boundaries; black & white, but I know there is absolutely nothing in life that is truly black & white. I learned a long, long time ago that everything in life is about perception and experience. I am constantly analyzing my mental rolodex to understand what parts of my experiences have shaped my perception, but being unable to remember my childhood, that gets sketchy. What can I say? I'm clearly complicated. Strangely enough, I don't analyze anyone else; EVER. Probably because I know how awful that feels. I do analyze situations, though. I also analyze my role in other people's lives.
I've recently found my niche of friends. We are just a few of us, but we seem to relate to each other in a way that is more than our kids. It's hard to mom date and these ladies don't feel like mom dating. We each have our own hang ups and we each have our own beliefs, but somehow we get together and it just seems to work. It's such an amazing feeling. It's so comforting to know that there is no pretense. That if someone sends up the Bat signal, we'll all be there in any capacity we can and there is no judgment if one's capacity is different than another's. It's a nice feeling to know that someone else's mental space, but more importantly for me, that my mental space & ability are not judged.
I recently read a blog written by a friend. You can read her blog Here. It was about her life prior to a medical diagnosis, during her illness & treatment and her coming out of the fog when she was in remission. She talked about how her life had been so different. How much she had changed and how she struggled to find her way to find a new life. I related to that blog post so much. Mostly because after Sean's diagnosis of Down syndrome and then his multiple diagnoses since, I tried to fit into my old life. Even after we moved, I tried to recreate my old life, but there was no real way to do that. Even in the Down syndrome community, I was trying to recreate my old life with my old types of friends and it failed; miserably. Now I can see that that wasn't such a bad thing.
I feel like this one part of my life is less of a struggle now.
So what do I like? What don't I struggle with? Gawd that was gloomy. My favorite book in the whole world is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I prefer to watch various documentary series. NOVA on PBS is probably my favorite. I love to learn new things; scientific discoveries thrill me. Science pretty much thrills me, as a general rule.
I enjoy being out in nature. I have set my mind to truly allow my kids to explore all the facets of the natural world in any capacity they choose to because I never did. I am a city kid. I'm also a beach bum, but that's neither here nor there. Well I wish it were here. I am a salty air, salty ocean loving gal. I can sit on a beach in the warmth of summer, torrential downpours, cold of winter and anything in between. There is a spark that ignites in me the second I resolve to bring myself to the beach.
I enjoy exploring the globe, even though I don't get to do that much anymore. I enjoy redesigning my house and the space around it. I genuinely enjoy other people's happiness and love to build people up. I enjoy swimming and I'm really competitive in sports; all sports.
Living this life of woman, mom, wife, teacher, medical & therapeutic coordinator, sports coach, life coach and kid investigator is not always easy. Shit! It's never easy. I am constantly working to rebuild & rework my life and find where I fit with each passing phase.
We also have 3 dogs. Our Scottie is an 11 year old named Brewster. He's my old man who is slowly winding down. We also have a rescued Mini Schnauzer named Milo Leopold. Then we have the beast. The beast is a rescued mutt who came to us from an animal shelter that lied to us. Now, I don't think they meant to lie to us, but lied to us they did. Luke was adopted at 56lbs and we were told he was 13 mos & full grown already. We were told he was a lab mix. LIARS! He is now roughly 115lbs and our vet said he was more likely 4 months old & suspects he is actually a great dane mixed with shepherd. Maybe some hound. Either way, he's enormous, but in the grand scheme of things, he's pretty awesome. Don't tell him I said that.
Our lives are anything, but boring. I go through my days reminding myself that I really had no intention of being this amazing, but here I am killing it. In all this amazing chaos, I need an outlet. A place to put it all.
Maybe I'll do an "all about me" type of thing in case I ever need to look back at my motivations and maybe reasons I do the things I do.
I grew up in NYC, Brooklyn to be exact. I am the oldest kid to two people who I like to think genuinely tried. One of my parents grew up on the "right" side of the tracks and her parents made sure she knew they disapproved of her choices. Hell, they made sure I knew they disapproved of her choices too. It was fun times. Turns out she has a serious narcissistic thing going on. The other grew up very much on the "wrong" side of the tracks. My gparents made sure that he knew they didn't approve of him, his choices or anything else that involved him. He was an alcoholic who did make some seriously shady choices, but... Was because he died during a particularly shady choice he made. I think back to my childhood and there aren't many things I actually remember. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it explains a lot of things about me. Because of my parents, I strive to be anything, but like them. I don't speak to my family. I walked away from them because our relationships were toxic. They were toxic for me, toxic for my kids, toxic for my marriage. Just toxic. We could never just get out of that cycle of hurt and cycle of hurting. It was always very tit for tat. I do long for closeness and relaxed BIG family gatherings, but not for the judgy closeness. I don't have the mental energy to wonder whether my family will be talking about me behind my back as soon as they think I'm out of earshot; it's happened.
I managed to make it through life ok. I graduated college twice. One direction seemed fitting at the time, but my inability to keep my subjective, "Are you fucking for real right now?", side to myself made a profession in a field requiring objectivity impossible. So I went back for a degree in the accounting field. I don't necessarily use those degrees in a profession anymore, but they have served me well throughout my life, so far, and continue to serve me well. I'm able to read people and situations well and apply a sense of logic. At least I feel I do those things well. I'm also able to recognize things that are not meant to be without investing a whole lot of time and emotion into it. I'm not sure my ability to build strong barriers between myself & the world is a result of my family dynamic, my inside knowledge of the analytical world or both.
I struggle. A lot. I struggle to know with certainty that I am relating to my children and that I'm reaching their inquisitive minds in an appropriate way. I struggle to relate to other adults and allow them to relate to me. I struggle to justify needing my own time and my own space. I struggle with reaching out for real help. I also struggle with trust.
***Side note: I took some time for me to just do this & my kids are currently fighting with each other over who was bouncing where on the bounce house. Fucking really guys?***
Anyway back to this. I struggle with the gray areas of life. I like clear boundaries; black & white, but I know there is absolutely nothing in life that is truly black & white. I learned a long, long time ago that everything in life is about perception and experience. I am constantly analyzing my mental rolodex to understand what parts of my experiences have shaped my perception, but being unable to remember my childhood, that gets sketchy. What can I say? I'm clearly complicated. Strangely enough, I don't analyze anyone else; EVER. Probably because I know how awful that feels. I do analyze situations, though. I also analyze my role in other people's lives.
I've recently found my niche of friends. We are just a few of us, but we seem to relate to each other in a way that is more than our kids. It's hard to mom date and these ladies don't feel like mom dating. We each have our own hang ups and we each have our own beliefs, but somehow we get together and it just seems to work. It's such an amazing feeling. It's so comforting to know that there is no pretense. That if someone sends up the Bat signal, we'll all be there in any capacity we can and there is no judgment if one's capacity is different than another's. It's a nice feeling to know that someone else's mental space, but more importantly for me, that my mental space & ability are not judged.
I recently read a blog written by a friend. You can read her blog Here. It was about her life prior to a medical diagnosis, during her illness & treatment and her coming out of the fog when she was in remission. She talked about how her life had been so different. How much she had changed and how she struggled to find her way to find a new life. I related to that blog post so much. Mostly because after Sean's diagnosis of Down syndrome and then his multiple diagnoses since, I tried to fit into my old life. Even after we moved, I tried to recreate my old life, but there was no real way to do that. Even in the Down syndrome community, I was trying to recreate my old life with my old types of friends and it failed; miserably. Now I can see that that wasn't such a bad thing.
I feel like this one part of my life is less of a struggle now.
So what do I like? What don't I struggle with? Gawd that was gloomy. My favorite book in the whole world is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. I prefer to watch various documentary series. NOVA on PBS is probably my favorite. I love to learn new things; scientific discoveries thrill me. Science pretty much thrills me, as a general rule.
I enjoy being out in nature. I have set my mind to truly allow my kids to explore all the facets of the natural world in any capacity they choose to because I never did. I am a city kid. I'm also a beach bum, but that's neither here nor there. Well I wish it were here. I am a salty air, salty ocean loving gal. I can sit on a beach in the warmth of summer, torrential downpours, cold of winter and anything in between. There is a spark that ignites in me the second I resolve to bring myself to the beach.
I enjoy exploring the globe, even though I don't get to do that much anymore. I enjoy redesigning my house and the space around it. I genuinely enjoy other people's happiness and love to build people up. I enjoy swimming and I'm really competitive in sports; all sports.
Living this life of woman, mom, wife, teacher, medical & therapeutic coordinator, sports coach, life coach and kid investigator is not always easy. Shit! It's never easy. I am constantly working to rebuild & rework my life and find where I fit with each passing phase.
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